My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
