i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
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The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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