i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
