he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
