I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
