By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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