I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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