You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
