Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
