Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I looked at my own cervix.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
