It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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