Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
