I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
