My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
