I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
