the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
