He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
