Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
