I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
