Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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