We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
