life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
