Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
