my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
