Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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