We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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