Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
