At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
