you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
