When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
