I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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