just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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