Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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