he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mom said you looked used
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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