I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
