Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
