I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
