I didn't shave. On purpose
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
