Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
