He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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