Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
