Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
