Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
