I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
