He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
