i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize