I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
