anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
