I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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