Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
