I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
