Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why are your pants in the freezer?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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