toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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